Kurosaki Hisoka: Trouble Magnet
by jennamarie
Summary: Kurosaki Hisoka is Murphy’s dream come true. Every thing bad that can happen, happens. To Hisoka. Squared. Drabbles
1. Chapter 1

Good morning!

It has occurred to me recently that Kurosaki Hisoka is Murphy's dream come true. Every thing bad that can happen, happens. To Hisoka. Squared. Read just about any fanfic and you'll get an idea of what I'm talking about. So, how many bad things can happen to you before disaster becomes commonplace?

Along that line of thought, I have started this collection of drabbles, mostly to amuse myself.

As always, I own nothing, but that could change when I win the lottery.

Enjoy!

**Kurosaki Hisoka: Trouble Magnet.**

-1-

Kurosaki Hisoka yawned and stretched, squinting his eyes against the bright morning sunlight.

He swung his legs over the side of his bed, preparing to go for his morning shower, when legions of demons started pouring into his bedroom.

Growling and gnashing their teeth, claws dripping putrescence, they advanced on him.

Quite suddenly Tsuzuki jumped out of the closet, ofuda blazing. "I'll save you 'Soka-chan!" he cried.

As the demon hoards were being vanquished, Hisoka grabbed his robe and headed for the bathroom, grumbling under his breath.

-2-

Hisoka sighed as he trudged along his way to work. As always in the Meifu the weather was beautiful; the temperature was moderate, the breeze was slight, and sakura petals flew everywhere.

Without warning the sidewalk shifted and Hisoka staggered, trying to keep his feet. With an almighty groan, the ground split beneath him and Hisoka found himself falling towards certain doom. He tried to fly, but realized quickly that his shinigami powers were being blocked by some unfathomable magic.

Suddenly something snagged the back of his jacket. Gasping for breath, Hisoka looked up to see one of the Gushoshin straining to keep him aloft. As he hung there with the great gaping chasm beneath him, Gushoshin was joined by his brother, and between the two of them dragged Hisoka back up to the street.

Once again on solid ground Hisoka felt the return of his shinigami powers, and leaving the Gushoshin panting for breath, continued his trudge to work...

**A/N** - I will probably be adding on to this off and on for a while. It's a fun and stress relieving past time!


	2. Chapter 2

The rescue in this one won't make sense unless you have read the Count's tea party in the mangas.

-3-

The rich aroma of coffee drifted up from his cup as he set it on the counter. Hisoka inhaled the scent appreciatively, and turned to get some milk.

He pulled open the fridge door and let out a short cry as a sharp gust of cold air blew out of the fridge, then sucked back in, pulling him into another demention.

Hisoka blinked, everything around him was white.

"Hello bouya." Muraki stepped out from behind a building.

"Hello bouya." Another Muraki left a café.

"Hello bouya." Muraki disembarking from a bus.

"Hello bouya." Muraki walking a dog.

"Hello bouya."

"Hello bouya."

"Hello bouya."

"Hello bouya."

Hisoka looked around in panic, he was surrounded by hundreds of Murakis!

"NO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~" he cried.

"YES~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~" hundreds of Murakis answered him.

"Goddamn it!" Hisoka grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Suddenly a hand came out of nowhere and started groping at him.

"Crap!" he yelped. "Multipule molesting Murakis!"

The hand finally got a firm grip on his nose, just as the many manical Murakis moved towards him. Hisoka felt a yank, and suddenly found himself in a heap at Watari's feet.

"Hey! It worked again!" Watari told the room around him. "My stick figures rock!"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimers: I own none of the toys mentioned herein, I am merely advocating their suitability for a five year old's bedroom. To the manufactures of any toys I didn't mention, sucks to be you.

The Teddy bear I freely admit I stole from an episode of Supernatural, anyone who has seen that episode will definitely remember that bear!

~4~

Hisoka stared at the nice, normal looking house in front of him and sighed.

Beside him, Tsuzuki sighed as well. "Are you ready for this?" he asked.

"No," Hisoka grimaced. "Are you?"

"Well, it can't be that bad, let's get it over with."

Another day, another case. This time, Hisoka and Tsuzuki had been sent out to retrieve a book that had been traced coming into Japan. The book held some potentially dangerous spells, so the shinigami were to find it before it could fall into the wrong hands.

So, of course, the book had ended up falling into the hands of a five year old girl; and just to make matters better, the little girl was just learning how to read. Apparently she was attracted to the 'pretty pictures' in the book, and had attempted to read the words under them. A few stutters and mispronunciations, and Hisoka and Tsuzuki were faced with the task of picking up the book, and taking care of a room full of possessed toys. Luckily, none of the toys seemed to be possessed by anything malevolent; still, the neighbourhood was bound to notice if a dozen Barbie dolls staged a fashion show on the front walk.

Hisoka entered the house first, with Tsuzuki plastered to his back, and together they started up the stairs to the second floor. The both froze as a quiet but cheerful singing came closer.

"It walks downstairs, alone or in pairs…"

A large slinky slinked it's way down the hallway, slinked down the stairs past the two shinigami, and out the front door. Both shinigami stared after it for a moment, blinking.

"Well?" Hisoka gave Tsuzuki a nudge. "What are you waiting for? Go get it!"

Tsuzuki was still blinking.

"GO!" Hisoka commanded.

Tsuzuki went.

Hisoka continued up to the little girl's room and peeked in. A group of Legos were busily making themselves into a tower in the centre of the room, and a bunch of Barbies were playing dress up by a large toy box. Other toys scattered around the room danced, played, chattered, and generally moved around; and on the bed was a giant Teddy bear, crying.

Hisoka entered the room quietly. None of the toys seemed to take any notice of his arrival, and he quickly circled the room, placing an ofuda on each toy which fell still as the talisman touched it.

Soon only the bear was left.

Hisoka made his way over the Teddy, his steps slowing as he got closer, it was radiating waves of despair while sobbing brokenly.

"It's all pointless!" the bear whimpered, looking up at Hisoka, "pointless! And there's no way out!"

And suddenly the empath could see everything from the Teddy bear's point of view.

"The endless tea parties…"

Tears began to streak down Hisoka's face.

"Endless crushing hugs and cuddles, being drooled on…"

The bear's misery was almost palatable.

"Girls dressing me in frilly dresses, even though I'm a boy!"

Hisoka sobbed, and then stopped, eyes wide, 'cause he had just realized the worst part.

IT WAS NEVER GOING TO END!

It was going to go on forever 'cause he could not die!

"Whaaaaaaaaaaa!" Hisoka and the Teddy bear wailed in tandem.

"Kill me!" The Teddy pleaded.

"Me too!" Hisoka whimpered.

"Let's set the room on fire, then we can just burn away into nothing!" the bear cried.

"Okay!" Hisoka sobbed.

"Do you have any matches?" the bear whined.

"No!" Hisoka hiccupped.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaa!" Hisoka and the Teddy bear wailed in tandem.

The door of the room burst open and Tsuzuki rushed inside. "Hisoka! What…" He trailed off at the sight of the giant Teddy bear and his partner supporting each other as they sobbed.

"It's pointless." Hisoka whimpered.

"Kill us!" the Teddy begged.

Tsuzuki crossed to the bed in three long strides. He pulled out an ofuda and placed it on the bear's head. The Teddy fell silent and toppled on its side.

Tsuzuki gathered Hisoka into his arms and led him out of the room, holding him tight to his side. "C'mon 'Soka, we'll get you a nice cup of tea…"

"I don't want any *&^%ing tea!" Hisoka wailed against Tsuzuki's shoulder.

~5~

The demon was huge and mean with big teeth and a nasty disposition.

Tsuzuki pushed Hisoka behind him into a more protected position and folded his hands as he summoned his shikigami. "I pray to the twelve Gods who protect me, come forth Sohryu!"

A blue tinged wind whirled around them like rushing water as the magnificent dragon sprang into battle.

A short but fierce fight followed and the demon was beaten back. As Tsuzuki rushed for it to perform the spells that would send the creature back to the Hell it had escaped, Sohryu moved closer to Hisoka.

Hisoka could almost hear the thoughts running through the shikigami's mind. 'One little misstep and that is all it will take to get rid of the boy; all it would take to save us all from the doom he portends…'

With no more warning, a giant claw was slicing towards him…

Arms pulled him back, and Hisoka blinked to see a figure standing fearlessly before the dragon, arms akimbo. Other arms wrapped around him squeezed tightly.

"Now listen here," the figure in front of Sohryu commanded. "If you harm our 'Soka-chan, I swear you will take his place as our next model of choice!" Yuma wagged her finger at the dragon.

The Great Protector of the North squeaked.

"And don't think for a moment you could get away from us!" Saya added, cuddling against Hisoka.

It was too much for the dragon, and he disappeared back to Gensoukai.

"Wait!" Hisoka yelled, trying to extricate himself from the Hokkaido girls. "Get back here and kill me! I'm a harbinger of doom, remember?! Get back here and kill me, you pansy-ass dragon!"


	4. Chapter 4

I am going to apologize in advance for the blatant stereotyping taking place in this one, I couldn't help myself.

Disclaimers: I own it! That's right, I own it! No, wait, that's not me, that's Yoko Matsushita. Crap.

For what it's worth, I don't own Godzilla either.

**~6~**

It was too bloody hot, Hisoka decided as he plodded down the busy Tokyo street. Too hot and too crowded. Never mind that he had no idea how in the heck he and his partner had managed to get assigned a case in Tokyo to start with, or why Tsuzuki had pick this day of all days to discover the joys of migraine headaches; but here he was fighting the foot traffic with a little bag of pills in one hand just because he couldn't stand to see purple eyes hurting.

He was such a sucker.

A strange noise made Hisoka pause. It was unlike anything he'd ever heard before. He looked around in confusion, noting that all the people around him were doing the same. Obviously this was not a regular Tokyo sound. The ground trembled under his feet, and he heard the strange sound again. Quicker than you could say 'boo', the street was empty, all the other pedestrians having made themselves scarce.

This seemed like an excellent idea to Hisoka, and he started to move again. He had only taken a few steps when a deluge of people came running down the middle of the street screaming and waving their arms in the air.

Hisoka quickly moved to the side of the road to avoid being trampled.

The first group of fleeing, panicking people was followed by a second group, this one made up of mostly men in business suits, also screaming; but running backwards! No one in this group was waving their arms, each one of them carried a camcorder, or camera, or phone, and was filming behind them as they ran.

"Godziilla!" One of the men screeched, pointing. "Godziilla!"

"Fan-(censored)-tastic." Hisoka muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling. His gaze followed the man's shaking finger and followed it up until he saw what pursued them.

It was a giant slimy green lizard, standing taller than the highest building. For a moment Hisoka was reminded of the stupid plastic Tyrannosaurs Rex toys that came in dinosaur play sets, this thing looked about as real, with it's wet, rubbery scales and little itty bitty forearms. Unfortunately, the teeth looked real; so did the big feet crushing everything they landed on.

Hisoka started to back away as the giant lizard dubbed 'Godziilla' took a bite out of the nearest building. The lizard, apparently not enjoying the taste of concrete and glass, let the rubble fall from is jaws. It lowered it's head and opened it's maw wide.

'It breaths fire', Hisoka thought as he saw the red gleaming deep in it's mouth. 'Dandy', and then he was engulfed by flames, and everything went black.

The blackness fell away, and Hisoka found himself a good distance behind the giant lizard, a calm and steady presence beside him.

"Tatsumi-san," he acknowledged as he watched the lizard's tale take out two small buildings and a Toyota.

"Kurosaki-kun," the secretary replied.

"So any idea what to do about that?" Hisoka gestured at the Godziilla monster, who was now chewing enthusiastically on a radio tower.

"Watari will take care of it," Tatsumi told him, sounding remarkably undisturbed.

Hisoka looked up to see the scientist flying around the lizard's head, wielding what appeared to be a spritz bottle. The lizard snapped at the scientist, then became completely still.

*POOF*

The giant lizard had disappeared, and in it's place was a much smaller lizard, almost tall enough to reach Hisoka's knee.

Watari hit the ground running, and scooped the lizard up into his arms. "I'm gonna keep him as a pet, and I'm gonna name him George-kun, and I'll take such good care of him…"

Turning away, Hisoka nodded his thanks to Tatsumi, and checking to make sure the bag holding the bottle of pills remained undamaged, resumed plodding back to the hotel.

**~7~**

Watari had been having a boring day.

He had been taking advantage of a lull in cases to clean up the infirmary and take inventory.

Completely disregarding that old maximum 'be careful what you wish for…' Watari rather wished that something would happen to break up the monotony.

Until Hisoka walked in and sat himself on the nearest bed.

"Eh? Bon?"

"I got bit by a rattlesnake," the youth told him blandly.

"You got bit by a… You realize we're in Japan, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure it was a rattlesnake?"

Hisoka held out one arm. Dangling from his forearm just below his elbow was a long thick brown snake with diamond markings down it's back and a distinctive rattle at it's tail. "Yes."

Carefully, Watari reached out and gripped the snake behind the jaws, and squeezing, extracted the fangs from the boy's flesh. "Okay Bon, I'm gonna take this and go whip up and anti-venom. Try not to die for the next 15 minutes or so, okay?"

"Sure," said Hisoka, shrugging. "No problem."


	5. Chapter 5

Warning for minor character death. I was happy to see him go…

**-8-**

The Karma god sat on cloud eight, lounging comfortably, and having a rather good time.

He was teasing Fate, who was having a bad week.

Actually, Fate was having a bad century. Nothing was working out quite the way he planned it, and Karma was smirking at him.

"Fine," Fate said grouchily, "I have a meteor here, a left over from that shower last week. Who should I hit with it?"

Karma's smirk grew. "Why don't you try to hit that green-eyed kid again? Maybe you'll get him this time!"

Fate thought that this was rather a good idea, but eyed Karma suspiciously. "Why? What's thrown him out of balance with you?"

Karma shrugged. "He stepped on a snail yesterday. Take a shot."

Fate looked over the edge of the cloud and scanned the world closely. "There he is…" he muttered, "…and he's alone…" Fate took careful aim, and with a flick of his wrist, he let the meteor go. A moment passed, then Fate started to cheer "I got him! I got him!" Fate began doing a victory dance across the cloud.

Karma looked over the edge of the edge of the cloud, ignoring Fate's antics. He watched for a long moment before he turned back to Fate and asked a question that put an end to Fate's celebration.

"Have you ever heard of Mianse Hijiri?"

Karma laughed and pointed. "I knew you couldn't do it!"

And thus, Fate was thwarted once again.


End file.
